Ruminations

One Word

I've found my weakness; my determination to be strong.

Wha??

It's been a tough week, spiritually speaking.  I've been confused, angry, embarassed about being angry, scared, apprehensive.  I found myself questioning my decision to persue my relationship with God thinking maybe I'm just really not ready.  I even cried.  I do not cry - it's a waste of time and it REALLY puts a beating on my face...lol.  What sparked all this?

One word.

Two syllables.

Submit.

Yep.

Through all these emotions, I've come to a conclusion - well, several of them.

1 - First and foremost, this is the devil hating me, hating my desire to know more, be more and want more in my relationship with God - trying to destroy it.  I will not allow that to happen.

2 - This is my struggle: to learn to submit.  That word has never been one I've ever wanted to associate with myself.  I am an independent, strong woman - I submit to no one.  I realize that I have to "unlearn" this to an extent.  I need to submit to God's word.  All of it, not just what I agree with and am comfortable with.

3 - Learn to let go, to forget self-pride.  If I do right by Him, He's proud enough.  Let go of what He's forgiven me for, stop obsessing over it.  Learn from it and move on.  Give it to Him, let Him take it and be done with it.

4 - To be a Christian "on the surface" is a piece of cake.  To really be who He wants me to be is more difficult than I ever thought it would be, partly because of my stubborn nature. 

I always thought I was a pretty good person, so I didn't figure it would take a lot of effort to do this thing.  Boy, was I wrong.  I once stated that I didn't want going to church to change who I am, I wanted it to enhance who I am.  Looking back now, I think that was incredibly pompous of me. 

I've got a LOT of work to do, but after this week full of emotions, I'm ready.  If I had any doubt, it was washed away yesterday at church.  It's amazing to me that when there is something missing, something that I need to hear, I go to church and I hear it.  It's almost like the whole experience was written just for me - it's wonderous to me how that happens.